Today I’m releasing “Star Shine (Down the Road)”, a song about acceptance and destiny. Listen to Star Shine on Spotify, Apple Music or Soundcloud.
Previously I wrote about the month Kati and I took apart in Bali: We didn’t talk or communicate for four weeks. She was going through the withdrawal step of her love addiction recovery, and I was meditating and working on self love.
When we finally reconnected I told Kati I had written a song about our experience, and I played her Same Eyes. We both cried. It was a beautiful moment to share together after all the hard work we both had been doing.
But shortly thereafter things went sideways. Kati’s love addiction recovery was bringing to the surface extremely painful emotions that were hard for her to deal with.
Through a series of events and miscommunications that I won’t go into, I got a call one morning from Kati. She told me she was moving out of our house in Boulder and didn’t want to be in contact with me any more.
The call was short. It was the day before I was to leave Bali. I called and texted Kati but couldn’t get her on the phone. As reality dawned on me, I was left in this very strange space. I had thought I was “coming home” to see Kati, but apparently not. I had just learned that she wouldn’t be there when I arrived.
The hardest part of all this was that I didn’t know what was going on with us. Kati seemed angry but aside from the anger I didn’t really know what was going on for her. As I made my way to the airport in Kuta my brain couldn’t help but work through worst case scenarios.
The ultimate of these was that I would never see Kati again, that she had moved away and would change her phone number. That it was only memories for me from here on out.
Logically that seemed unlikely, but emotionally it seemed in the realm of possibility and it chilled me to my core.
As I traversed the globe back to the US, I sat with this uncertainty. And to keep from falling into panic or rage or despair I wrote Star Shine:
Hey down the road, I hope it’ll be you, and me together again
Hey down the road I hope I’ll see you and me together again
'Cause I can feel it now. Coming through somehow. Yeah I can feel it now,
Your heart connected to mine. I feel your heart connected to mine.
The beginning of the song is about the heart connection I still felt to Kati. It’s about feeling the sweetness and realness of that connection, and at the same time dealing with the remote but still terrifying possibility that I would never see her again.
Every night I look up and wonder which star guides your way
Glimmering and twinkling things, leading you away
Drawn into the night, by a faint shimmering light. I trust you know what’s right, but
Is your star connected to mine?
I knew Kati was going through a process, and from what she told me, she was experiencing for the first time deep and overwhelming pain that had been repressed since childhood. As she went “into the night” I trusted her process and I had to consider that maybe what was best for her was to not be with me.
This hurt but at the same time I knew I loved her, and that meant wanting her to find the healing she was looking for, even if her future didn’t involve me. And I wanted the same thing for me - I had to consider that maybe our destiny was to be apart even if it was painful and sudden.
And I realized that I truly didn’t know if Kati and I were destined to be together after our healing was done.
Chase your star, follow it’s mystery, find your shine
And I’ll chase too, no I won’t chase you, you chase your star I’ll chase mine
Will our stars align? Again in this lifetime? In an unseen paradigm,
Is your star connected to mine?
Ultimately as I looked at the stars through an airplane window I made peace with either possibility. Either Kati and I would work it out and reconnect at some time in the future, or we wouldn’t and I would grieve and accept the pain, and wait for what was coming next. Feeling into the latter, I was happy to see that there was a deep knowing in me telling me I was valuable and lovable and that I would love again. I took this to be a sign that the work I was doing in Bali had been successful.
Hey down the road, I know it’ll be, you and me together again
I just can’t see which version of you and me will next begin
Beloved Mystery, which you will it be? Now that my old you is free
Stars, stars, shine.
And so Star Shine is about the winding mystery of life and love, about blind corners, unknown unknowns, and surprises. I wrote it to remind me that life is change, and that when change comes, I’m strong enough, lovable enough and valuable enough to welcome whatever is coming with open arms and an open heart, even if it hurts.
Because I saw when something beloved dies, the mourning and burial makes room for something else to grow.
Finally back in Boulder and still barely a word from Kati, I went into deep grieving. It felt like a 300 pound sumo wrestler was sitting on my chest 24-hours a day. It was hard to breathe, let alone do much else.
In retrospect I’m grateful I got to experience this experience. I’ve never felt anything like it. It was definitely novel, and it was definitely painful. And it showed me a depth of feeling that I now cherish, because it forced me to take better care of myself, to be nicer to myself, to show myself deeper compassion and kindness.
A new way of relating to myself was growing.
And eventually Kati and I started talking. As I suspected, she was going through a deep process of transformation and needed to be alone to do it. I missed her, I was angry at her for how she left, and I knew that I would wait for her to finish whatever she was going through.
Our future still uncertain I started writing Wait for You, the last song on this album.
I hope you like Star Shine, especially anyone who has suffered a loss and is facing an uncertain future. From my heart to yours,
Will
